Several years ago, a fellow ministerial colleague and I conducted a fiftieth wedding anniversary remarriage ceremony. As we went through the ceremony, I could not help but notice the happiness, joy, and love that radiated from the countenances of the husband and wife. They were positive with their attitudes toward each other, and they clung to each other as though they were just getting married for the first time! Truly, I must say, I was wonderfully amazed and pleasantly proud of both persons. Their actions, love, and respect for each other outshone couples that have come before me at the altar for the first time to get married.
After the ceremony concluded, I decided to ask the celebrants what had kept them together for 50 long years, and, at the same time, be still experiencing that love and intimacy which all true, healthy, and strong marriages experience. As I approached the beaming couple, they looked to me invitingly with pleasant smiles, and I quickly, yet privately, posed my question: “What kept you both happily married for 50 years?”
Their answer was simple, yet powerful in application: “You have to learn to give and to take.” A rather interesting answer indeed! This philosophy, practiced by this husband and wife, has kept them together for 50 years of their lives. Of course, I must mention that they are committed Seventh-day Adventist Christians, and their spiritual commitment to Christ enabled them to learn to give to and to take from each other.
Some time ago, my wife and I were invited to my hometown church reunion, and I knew that I would be seeing and getting reacquainted with longtime friends and contemporaries whom I had not seen for years! I was surprised to discover, upon meeting some of them, that they were divorced and had remarried. I distinctly remember one of my acquaintances asking me, “Are you still married?”
To which I responded, “Yes!”
The question that followed was rather interesting. It was, “To the same person?”
I again answered, “Yes!”
Changing Times
It seems quite strange in these days that there exists a private notion, even among Seventh-day Adventist Christians, that assumes that marriage between a man and a woman is not “until death do us part.” The thought prevails that lifelong, happy marriage relationships can no longer exist; things, times, and people have changed. But, may I ask, have not things, times, and people always been changing?
Yet, in years past, marriages have survived the storms and tempests, so what is the difference now? I would hasten to answer that the issue is a human problem. In our contemporary age, it is said that 50 percent of all marriages end in divorce. In the year 1900, the number of marriages that were conducted were 709,000. In that same year, the number of divorces that took place were 55,751, giving us a marriage/divorce ratio of 12.7/1. However, by the year 1980, the number of marriages that were performed had risen to 2,413,000, and the number of divorces was 1,182,000, giving a marriage/divorce ratio of 2.01/1. (Alanzo H. Smith, When Loving You Is Destroying Me, Brentwood Christian Press, Columbus, Georgia, 1996, 49.)
Amazingly, it is said that, since the beginning of the year 2000, for every three marriages, both in the world as well as in the church, two end in divorce! Why is this so? Why are marriages, in these contemporary days, experiences of such major destruction? Again, I say, it is a human problem.
The majority of us human beings has rejected God and His wisdom and has been building on our own wisdom. In past years, the Word of God was the foundation of the home, the school, the church, and society. Prayer was prized as a chief weapon for success and prosperity. In this contemporary age, man’s wisdom, and man’s wisdom only, is recognized by the majority of earth’s population; consequently, deterioration has occurred! It would do us good to remember and to apply the words of the Psalmist ourselves: “Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that build it.” Psalm 127:1.
So, in spite of all that is happening to marriage, how can the Christian remain happily married in a contemporary world such as ours, which is so anti the traditional, biblical marriage?
Answer for Survival
In Matthew 7:24–27, Jesus presents the answer for the survival of the marriage institution, the home, the church, the school, and society: “Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.”
Christ expanded upon this answer in Luke 6:47–49: “Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will show you to whom he is like: He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.”
It is important for us to note what Jesus is not saying. Jesus, here, is not saying that there will not be any storms or tempests in a Christian marriage.
He is saying that when the storms come, there will not be any permanent damage, because, in the Christian home, His words are heeded, and He is made the foundation upon which the marriage is built.
I have heard it said that the biggest problem with the American family is that they think marriage should not have any problems. What we all need to remember is that Jesus has not promised that there will not be any problems in marriage, but He has pointed out that the marriage that stands is the one built on the Word of God.
You see, the strong marriage and the weak marriage look alike from the outside, but it is when the tests of storms and tempests come that the truth is thereby revealed. Therefore, we should pay strict attention to the apostle Paul’s counsel and warning as given in 1 Corinthians 7:27, 28: “Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife. But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.”
Note carefully what Paul says: “But and if thou marry . . . such shall have trouble in the flesh.” Understandably, then, there is no marriage that is storm proof, trouble proof, or that will never experience trials and difficulties. Troubles are the lot of all marriages! Yes, the troubles may vary from marriage to marriage, but troubles of all sizes and intensities must be expected in every marriage. The survival secret is to build upon Christ!
The Foundation
Ellen White counseled: “Affection may be as clear as crystal and beauteous in its purity, yet it may be shallow because it has not been tested and tried. Make Christ first and last and best in everything. Constantly behold Him, and your love for Him will daily become deeper and stronger as it is submitted to the test of trial. And as your love for Him increases, your love for each other will grow deeper and stronger.
“Though difficulties, perplexities, and discouragements may arise, let neither husband nor wife harbor the thought that their union is a mistake or a disappointment. Determine to be all that it is possible to be to each other. Continue the early attentions. In every way encourage each other in fighting the battles of life. Study to advance the happiness of each other. Let there be mutual love, mutual forbearance. Then marriage, instead of being the end of love, will be as it were the very beginning of love. The warmth of true friendship, the love that binds heart to heart, is a foretaste of the joys of heaven.” The Adventist Home, 105, 106.
Jesus, speaking of what it truly means to build upon Him, explains: “It is not enough, He says, for you to hear My words. By obedience you must make them the foundation of your character. Self is but shifting sand. If you build upon human theories and inventions, your house will fall. By the winds of temptation, the tempests of trial, it will be swept away. But these principles that I have given will endure. Receive Me; build on My words.” The Desire of Ages, 314.
The apostle James understood Christ’s words fully. That is why he wrote, “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.” James 1:22.
The Rock
“Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.” Matthew 7:24, 25.
The psalmist David identifies the rock to be the Lord. He states: “The Lord [is] my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, [and] my high tower.” Psalm 18:2.
Also, in Psalm 62:2, David maintains that, “[God] only [is] my rock and my salvation; [he is] my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.” And, in Psalm 31:3, David’s prayer is, “For thou,” speaking of the Lord, “[art] my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.”
The prophet Isaiah speaks of Christ as “a great rock in a weary land”! “Behold, a king shall reign in righteousness, and princes shall rule in judgment. And a man shall be as an hiding place from the wind, and a covert from the tempest; as rivers of water in a dry place, as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land.” Isaiah 32:1, 2.
The apostle Paul affirmed that Christ was the Rock that went with His people in ancient times: “And did all drink the same spiritual drink: for they drank of that spiritual Rock that followed them: and that Rock was Christ.” 1 Corinthians 10:4.
Upon what must a storm-proof marriage be built? As Dr. S. M. Davis put it, in the recorded presentation, “How to Build a Storm-Proof Marriage,” the foundation must be the:
1) Rock of a covenant instead of the sand of a contract;
2) Rock of humility instead of the sand of pride;
3) Rock of communication instead of the sand of silence;
4) Rock of unconditional love instead of the sand of emotion;
5) Rock of acceptance and praise instead of the sand of anger and putdowns;
6) Rock of building each other instead of the sand of inactivity;
7) Rock of changing instead of the sand of stubbornness;
8) Rock of salvation instead of the sand of religion. (www.joycenter.on.ca)
Only Hope
The only hope for the survival of every marriage in this era is to build upon Christ the Rock. The sentiment of every Christian husband and wife, as well as those who are contemplating marriage, should be like that of the hymn writer, Edward Mote:
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
When darkness seems to veil His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, and blood,
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
O may I then in Him be found;
Clad in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.
The Church Hymnal, Review and Herald Publishing Association, Washington, D. C., 1941, 581.
Let us build marriages that will last not only for time but also for eternity!