Words, Part I

In Hebrews 4:2, the apostle Paul says, “For the gospel is preached to us as well as them, but the word did not profit them, not being mixed with faith.” Friends, I need to forewarn you. What we will be studying in this article could be very discouraging, if you do not have enough faith. But if you realize that for everything God has told us to do or not to do, He will give us the grace and power to do it—if we trust in Him and choose to follow Him—then what we are going to study can be very exciting.

Heaven Talk

Have you ever wondered how people talk in heaven? Do you talk in your home the way people talk in heaven? When do you think you should learn to talk like people talk in heaven? Now? Yes, now!

In the Book of James, we are told that the one who controls his tongue is a perfect man. (James 3:2.) If you are not yet perfect, do not be discouraged. Just take hold of the Lord by faith and say, “Lord, this is the way you want me to speak, and I am determined, by Your grace, to talk the way You want me to talk.” If you follow the principles, the Lord will give you the power and the grace to talk His way. Of course, we need to understand how God wants us to talk.

As I have studied the Spirit of Prophecy writings, I have been interested to discover how much Ellen White wrote on the subject of speech in reference to the family. We are going to look at some of these principles, and I hope they will be as great a blessing to you as they have been to me.

Plan Each Morning

One of the first principles is that we need to plan in the morning what we are going to say.

“The first missionary work is to see that love, light, and joy come into the home circle. Let us not be looking for some great temperance or missionary work to do until we have first done the duties at home. Every morning we should think, What kind act can I do today? What tender word can I speak? Kind words at home are blessed sunshine. The husband needs them, the wife needs them, the children need them.” Review and Herald, December 23, 1884.

What do you suppose, friends, would happen in our homes if every morning, every husband, before he got out of bed, was thinking to himself, “What kind word, what tender word, what kind act can I do today for my wife or for my children?” If every wife was thinking before she got out of bed, “What kind word can I speak to my husband today? What tender act could I do for him or for my children?” If we started making plans the first thing in the morning, like the Lord has instructed us, would that make a difference in our homes?

We need the sunshine of kind and tender words in our homes, but that is going to take some planning. Have you noticed that anything worthwhile does not just happen? Someone has to make plans. If we want our speech to be right, the time to start is before we ever get out of bed in the morning. We need to start making plans then—“What kind and tender word could I speak to my spouse today? What act could I do for my spouse today or for my children?” If we start making plans each morning, like the Lord has told us to do, it will have a tremendous influence in our homes. Who knows? We might even think of something kind and tender to say before breakfast!

How We Should Speak

How should we speak? In The Signs of the Times, November 14, 1911, Ellen White advised that we should “cultivate soft tones.” What is the opposite of soft? Harsh—so we want to avoid all harshness of expression.

Mrs. White also said, “We should accustom ourselves to speak in pleasant tones.” Ibid., February 22, 1905. We all like to be spoken to with pleasant tones. She also told us what to avoid: “Never let a frown gather upon your brow.” Testimonies, vol. 3, 532. That is a high standard! Did you know that people do not frown in heaven? They do not, and we are to cultivate a heavenly atmosphere in our homes.

She continued, “Never let a frown gather upon your brow or a harsh word escape your lips. Harsh words sour the temper and wound the hearts of children, and in some cases these wounds are difficult to heal. Children are sensitive . . . .” Ibid. Are your children sensitive? I have known for a long time that my children are sensitive, but I have learned, as I have studied this subject, that all children are sensitive. “Children are sensitive to the least injustice, and some become discouraged under it and will neither heed the loud, angry voice of command nor care for threatenings of punishment.” Ibid. Some become discouraged and may finally decide they do not care whether they are punished or not; they will do what pleases them. We do not want our children to develop that frame of mind, so we must avoid all harsh words and not let frowns develop on our brows.

Passionate Words

We are all tempted to speak passionately at times. What should we do when we realize passionate feelings are arising, and we are about to really let somebody have it? There are all kinds of expressions for this in our language. Have you heard anyone say that they are going to give somebody “a piece of their mind”? Usually they do not mean a good piece!

What should we do when such feelings start to develop? “When about to speak passionately, close your mouth. Don’t utter a word. Pray before you speak, and heavenly angels will come to your assistance and drive back the evil angels, who would lead you to dishonor God, reproach His cause, and weaken your own soul.” Ibid., vol. 2, 82.

When we are tempted to speak passionately, it is time not to speak. It is time to close our mouths. If we are really heated up, we might even need to seek a private place, get down on our knees, and have a session of prayer, asking the Lord to calm our souls so our spirits will not be chaffed. We cannot avoid speaking passionately if our spirits are chaffed. That irritableness in our spirits has to be taken away. The Lord has to take it away, or no matter what we say, our words will not be right. Friends, if we ask, God will give us victory over the passion of spirit. We must have that. Otherwise, when we open our mouths, no matter how good are our intentions, we will have a lot of apologizing to do, to say the least.

Begins in the Home

“The work of sanctification begins in the home. . . .

“In the home the spirit of criticism and faultfinding should have no place. . . .

“No harsh, passionate word is ever spoken without grieving the Lord Jesus, and hurting the heart of speaker and of hearer. From the Christian home all angry or trifling speeches will be excluded; for in the home above nothing of this character finds place.” The Signs of the Times, February 17, 1904.

We are to avoid all angry, trifling, passionate speeches. In the Christian home, those must be excluded, along with the spirit of criticism and faultfinding. That does not mean we are to close our eyes and not be aware of what is going wrong, but we are not to have a spirit of trying to tear down.

Have you ever noticed how sensitive we are to having our faults exposed? I have been amazed, over and over again, at how sensitive we as human beings are. We may have a hundred things wrong, but to have someone point out even one fault, just about tears us to pieces. Have you ever wondered about your children? Since we as adults are sensitive to having someone point out any fault that we have, do you suppose our children might be sensitive to having their faults pointed out? If you keep that in mind, it will be a great help to you.

We need to do a lot of praying, friends, before we seek to point out a fault in our children. Remember, they are just as sensitive as we are, maybe more so. It takes great tact and love and kindness to be able to point out a fault and have it received in the right way so that the child will be drawn to Jesus and be determined to correct it. Mrs. White talked about this: “When you are obliged to correct a child, do not raise the voice to a high key . . . .” Ibid.

Some of us have this problem. I personally have to do a lot of praying about this. It is easy for me to raise my voice to a high key. What happens when we do that? “Do not raise the voice to a high key bringing into it that which will arouse the worst passions of the child’s heart.” Ibid. When the voice is raised to a high key, what is a natural response for the listener? It is easy for the child to feel like he or she is getting scolded, and that might be exactly what is happening.

Hasty Speech

“Restrain every hasty speech that struggles for utterance. Before you speak that fretful, impatient word, stop and think of the influence which, if spoken, it will exert. Remember that children are quick to hear every word, and to mark every intonation of the voice.” Ibid.

I have tested this out on our dog. I did not want to test it on my children. I have found that I can speak the most severe reproofs, commands, and awful things to our dog, and if I speak softly, with a smile on my voice, she just wags her tail. But if I yell at her, telling her that I love her and that she is a good dog, she starts to cower. Children will respond just as dogs do. They recognize the tone of our voices. That is why we are to accustom ourselves to always speaking in pleasant tones.

Should we not reprove our children? God has commanded us to not allow the faults of our children to pass by without being corrected. Notice what Mrs. White wrote about this: “Under all circumstances reproof should be spoken in love. . . .

“Not one word is to be spoken unadvisedly.” Ibid., February 22, 1905.

Corrupt Communication

The Bible talks about corrupt communication in 1 Corinthians. What is corrupt communication? “No evil speaking, no frivolous talk, no fretful repining or impure suggestions, will escape the lips of him who is following Christ. . . . A corrupt communication does not mean only words that are vile. It means any expression contrary to holy principles and pure, undefiled religion. It includes impure hints and covert insinuations of evil. Unless instantly resisted, these lead to great sin.

“Upon every family, upon every individual Christian, is laid the duty of barring the way against corrupt speech. When in the company of those who indulge in foolish talk, it is our duty to change the subject of conversation if possible.” Ibid.

We do not want corrupt communication in our homes. We cannot have it in our homes if we are getting ready to go to heaven, because people do not talk like that in heaven.

False Witness

Mrs. White also gave the definition of false witness: “We think with horror of the cannibal who feasts on the still warm and trembling flesh of his victim; but are the results of even this practice more terrible than are the agony and ruin caused by misrepresenting motive, blackening reputation, dissecting character? . . .

“God’s Word condemns also the use of those meaningless phrases and expletives that border on profanity.” Ibid., March 1, 1905.

Do you know what an expletive is? An expletive is a word that is not used according to its dictionary definition, but is used to express emotion. Unfortunately, many people use the characteristics of God as expletives, thereby breaking the third commandment. The characteristics of God are listed in Exodus 34:6. “And the Lord passed by before him, and proclaimed, The Lord, The Lord God, merciful and gracious, longsuffering, and abundant in goodness and truth . . . .” Those are the characteristics of God.

One of the words used to describe His characteristics is the word merciful. Have you ever heard the word mercy used as an expletive? That is a name for God, friends. It is part of His character. To use that word just to express emotion is to break the third commandment. Part of His Name is the word gracious. To use that word in a flippant way is to break the third commandment.

There are all sorts of words that I do not want to repeat and develop bad habits of speaking by repeating them, but you know what I am talking about. Have you ever heard somebody say, “Oh, _____”? There are several words that could follow that. Some of them men’s names—and they are not used to refer to any man. They are just used to express emotion. Those are expletives. Mrs. White calls them “meaningless phrases.” Jesus never used those. You will not find any expletives that He ever used in the entire Gospel account, and He is our example.

Deceptive Compliments

The Bible condemns the deceptive compliments, meaningless phrases, and expletives that border on profanity. Oh, friends, this bothers me. This is a problem, friends, for Christians. We have a big problem in giving deceptive compliments, trying to make people feel good in saying something to them that we do not really believe. That is breaking the ninth commandment.

“The evasions of truth, the exaggerations . . .” You know, some people have become so used to exaggerating that in their common, everyday speech—whatever they are talking about—they exaggerate. That will not happen in heaven, friends. They do not make understatements or give exaggerations there. Since I have studied this, I am trying to correct my own speech. We need to be careful that our speech is accurate.

“Closely allied to gossip is the covert [hidden] insinuation, the sly innuendo, by which the unclean in heart seek to insinuate the evil they dare not openly express. Every approach to these practices the youth should be taught to shun as we would shun the leprosy.” Ibid.

Friends, if we are getting ready for heaven, we must train our children to not speak the way they hear other people speaking. Other people are not to be our guides. Jesus is our Guide. We must train our children from babyhood that they must not say anything that they hear other people speaking. This is one of the reasons we as parents need to take time to talk with our children. We need to know how they speak and what they are saying. If they are picking up phrases and expressions from someone else that are not suitable, not understanding what they mean, we must correct their speech and teach them how to speak appropriately. This is also a reason for being careful with whom our children associate.

Quarreling Children

What do you do with children in the home who are quarreling? Ellen White gave counsel regarding that. “Parents, do all in your power to keep disagreements out of the home circle. If the children quarrel, remind them that God has said, ‘Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.’ Teach them never to let the sun go down on angry feelings or sin unconfessed. Teach them that harmony should reign in the home, even as it reigns in heaven. . . .

“Repress every harsh word. Remember that fretting and scolding are as injurious to your children as profanity, and that too much management is as bad as no management at all. Be firm, but let no loud, angry words escape your lips. [There, again, are two kinds of speech we are to avoid—harsh words and loud, angry words.] Rule your children with tenderness and compassion, remembering that ‘their angels do always behold the face of My Father which is in heaven.’ . . . Work with loving tenderness; for this is the way Christ works.” The Signs of the Times, April 23, 1902.

Of what are we to remind the children? Not to let the sun go down on their wrath. That is a very literal expression from the Bible. (Ephesians 4:26.) We are to tell our children to not let the sun go down before they have made things right—to not let the sun go down on unconfessed sin or angry feelings.

Self-Control

“God looks into every secret thing of life. By some a constant battle is maintained for self-control.” The Signs of the Times, August 23, 1899. Perhaps you have a constant battle with your tongue. God knows that, friend. You may have to keep up a constant battle your whole life, but God will give you the victory. “Daily they [those battling for self-control] strive silently and prayerfully against harshness of speech and temper. These strivings may never be appreciated by human beings. They may get no praise from human lips for keeping back the hasty words which sought for utterance. The world will never see these conquests, and if it could, it would only despise the conquerors. But in heaven’s record they are registered as overcomers. There is One who witnesses every secret combat and every silent victory, and He says, ‘He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.’ [Proverbs 16:32.]” Ibid.

Scolding

A few statements about scolding have already been addressed, but in the following statement, we are given some counsel on dealing with children who are in trouble. Now, children from the earliest ages get into troubles of various kinds. Their feelings are aroused; maybe they are angry or depressed or hurt or discouraged. Children have all of these kinds of problems just as do adults. To them, their trials are just as severe as our trials are to us. How do we deal with these?

“The little ones must be carefully soothed when in trouble. Children between babyhood and manhood and womanhood do not generally receive the attention they should have. Mothers are needed who will so guide their children that they will regard themselves as a part of the family. Let the mother talk with her children regarding their hopes and their perplexities. Let parents remember that their children are to be cared for in preference to strangers. They are to be kept in a sunny atmosphere, under the mother’s guidance. Be careful that you are not rude to your children, either in speech or in temper. Require obedience, and do not allow yourself to speak carelessly to your children, because your manners and your words are their lesson-book. Help them gently, tenderly, over this period of their life. Let the sunshine of your presence make sunshine in their hearts. These growing boys and girls feel very sensitive, and by roughness you may mar their whole life. Be careful, mothers. Never scold; for that never helps.” Ibid., August 23, 1899. We do not want to do something that would never help, do we? That does not mean, however, that we should not be firm. The very next sentence says, “Firmness is ever to be united with love in the home life.” Ibid.

Harmony

How much harmonious speech in the home means to the children! “Allow in the home nothing that savors of cheapness or commonness. You are preparing your children for entrance into the City of God, and nothing that defiles can enter there.

“Be pleasant and cheerful. Remember that love is the power that binds your children to you.” Ibid., September 16, 1903. We should always remember that sentence. It is the power of love that binds our children to us.

“Keep your words and actions free from anger. Do nothing that will destroy the harmony of the home. Let the sharp words [there is another type of word to avoid] that you are tempted to speak die unspoken. Such words wound and bruise the hearts of the hearers.” Ibid.

To be continued . . .

Pastor Grosboll is Director of Steps to Life and pastors the Prairie Meadows Church in Wichita, Kansas. He may be contacted by e-mail at: historic@stepstolife.org or by telephone at: 316-788-5559.