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Youth to Youth: Just Wait

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Through our youth, we are faced with many different decisions—some with long-lasting effects and some with a lot less. The decision of a life partner is one of the biggest decisions we will ever make. This, sadly, may give us the most heartache we will ever experience. So what is the best way to sail around the rocks into the sunshine? I am certainly no expert in this, but I do have a few guidelines to offer.

Just wait!

When we are young, we always think that we are ready to make our own decisions, ready to go out into life, find our true love, and start things off. When I was 16, this is what I wanted to do, but I thank God He allowed things not to work out as I intended.

It is best to wait for God’s timing. But what is God’s timing? Obviously, this depends on the person, but we do have two areas of counsel to follow.

  1. Are we old enough? A decision as important as marriage should be postponed until we have fully developed both physically and mentally.

“A youth not out of his teens is a poor judge of the fitness of a person as young as himself to be his companion for life.” The Adventist Home, 79.

  1. Have we finished our education? This may be a weird question, but we do not want to divert brainpower from our studies for something that requires so much emotional and psychological energy.

“Young people are sent to school by their parents to obtain an education, not to flirt with the opposite sex. The good of society, as well as the highest interest of the students, demands that they shall not attempt to select a life partner while their own character is yet undeveloped, their judgment immature, and while they are at the same time deprived of parental care and guidance.” Fundamentals of Christian Education, 62.

“Gather all the efficiency you can, making the most of your opportunities for the education and training of the character to fill any position which the Lord may assign you. You need so much a balance-wheel in judicious counsel. Do not despise advice. Bear in mind that the school is not a place to form attachments for courting or entering into marriage relations.” Manuscript Releases, vol. 10, 74.

Even when we are old enough and out of our studies, we may want to rush on before God, but my first instruction is to wait. Consider whether the person with whom you want to unite your life has the traits that are worthy of your attention. Take time to analyze this person to see if he or she has what you really need in a life partner as per the instruction we have been given in The Adventist Home, 211–224 and 231–273. I would encourage you to read this first from the angle of how should I be, and then read it from the angle of for what should I be looking.

Ask yourself, Am I ready to play my part in the family role? Have I come close to God? Am I willing to take up my fair share of life’s burdens? Am I willing to be that perfect husband or wife? Am I willing to work at a relationship, accept someone for who they are, and, with God’s help, have a happy home? Or will I be the sort who will want everything my way? These are hard questions, if you answer them honestly.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to wait upon the Lord, but if we will trust God, then He will work things out for us—maybe not in the way we think we want them to be, but in the way that He knows is best for us. When we learn this lesson and let God rule supremely in our lives, then we are ready to progress in finding a life partner.

Let us make sure we wait for the right time in our lives and also that we do the preparation work before we enter into such a relationship.

Jeff Samuels is a pseudonym

Commitment to the Marriage Covenant

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Week of Prayer for Wednesday

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:21–24.

“God celebrated the first marriage. Thus the institution has for its originator the Creator of the universe. ‘Marriage is honorable’ (Hebrews 13:4); it was one of the first gifts of God to man, and it is one of the two institutions that, after the Fall, Adam brought with him beyond the gates of Paradise. When the divine principles are recognized and obeyed in this relation, marriage is a blessing; it guards the purity and happiness of the race, it provides for man’s social needs, it elevates the physical, the intellectual, and the moral nature.” Patriarchs and Prophets, 46.

The following quote comes from an editorial published in the Bowling Green Daily News, July 28, 2002 [Bowling Green, Kentucky]. “Mayor Rudy Giuliani and his estranged wife Donna Hanover are not the only ones finding out how messy divorce can be. While a majority of divorce settlements don’t involve one party getting $6.8 million plus child support and legal fees, divorce in most cases sets in motion events over which individuals have little control.

“The research is deafening: Even strained marriages often are better than divorce. Also studies show that the benefits of divorce have been oversold. Researchers at the University of Chicago have followed up on some of the more than 5,000 married adults interviewed several years ago about their relationships. What they found is worthy of note: A good marriage takes much attention and effort.

“Commitment to a spouse and perseverance to face hurdles is the key to any marriage, whether the couple has lived together or not. While the number of marriages ending in divorce is staggering, there are still plenty of people who have found that most conflict, whether it is money, depression and even infidelity, can be resolved with communication and time.

“The effect that commitment can have on future generations is staggering. Wednesday’s [July 24, 2002] report indicating that children of divorce are more likely to end up being divorced themselves should be a strong influence on whether to break up a marriage.”

The Spirit of Prophecy has this to say about divorce: “A woman may be legally divorced from her husband by the laws of the land and yet not divorced in the sight of God and according to the higher law. There is only one sin, which is adultery, which can place the husband or wife in a position where they can be free from the marriage vow in the sight of God. Although the laws of the land may grant a divorce, yet they are husband and wife still in the Bible light, according to the laws of God.” The Adventist Home, 344.

The Commitment Factor

Though all of the following factors have contributed to the divorce rate, there is yet another—a missing preventive factor. However much these factors may predispose our society to an epidemic of divorces, such an epidemic can still be prevented if one key element is present. What element could this be? True commitment!

Problems That Lead to Divorce

What is wrong here? Probably a great many things. Divorce did not become a significant problem in the United States until after the mid-1900s. Many things have changed, which may be contributing to this problem.

The Impact of Dating

Interactions between young men and women have changed a lot since the 1800s. The role of parents, both in protecting their children from premarital intimacy and in influencing marriage decisions, is almost nonexistent today. The majority of modern Christians follow modern dating practices, which are not known to result in excellent marriages. Consider how many young people enter marriage with a background of prior romantic relationships and even fornication. How many relationships are founded on selfishness, physical attraction, and infatuation? How many marriages are entered into with serious misconceptions about the other person’s character, beliefs, and values? Certainly many Christian marriages start badly because of these things.

The Ease and Acceptance of Divorce

In prior times, divorce was only permitted when there was adultery. In the last few generations, many children have grown up in single parent homes. Thus a much smaller percentage of young people marrying have had good marriage role models in their own parents. Also, few have had much good teaching on Christian marriage.

Working Women and Temptation

In the 1800s, and even through most of the first half of the 1900s, the majority of married women were in the home, not in the workplace. Since that time, the majority of women, even of married women, have come to work outside the home, usually right alongside of men. Married women working outside the home are more financially independent of their husbands. Though we usually think of financial independence as a good thing, in marriage it makes the wife less reluctant to leave her husband and removes the husband’s guilt over leaving his wife unsupported. The prevalence of women in the workplace, including married women, has brought more temptation to infidelity to both men and women. Work often brings men and women into close working relationships and friendships that exclude their spouses. This makes fertile ground for infatuations and relationships that result in adultery.

Cultural Influences

Today, we live in a culture steeped in immorality, pornography, alcohol and drug abuse, and selfishness. This culture and its influences have strongly invaded Christian homes. It is no longer just through neighbors, coworkers, acquaintances, and books that we have been bombarded, but now it is also through radio, television, movies, and the Internet. The godless culture around us offers many new and highly effective tools with which to saturate us with temptations and godless influences.

The Marriage Commitment

Our ancestors viewed marriage as a vow before God, a vow to be taken very seriously. To break a solemn vow before God was to invite divine punishment. Churches taught that God hated divorce and that marriage was meant to be for life. Churches, schools, and the leaders of society all stressed the importance of integrity and honor and of keeping one’s promises. Men and women of honor kept their promises, even to their own hurt.

“The grace of Christ, and this alone, can make this institution what God designed it should be—an agent for the blessing and uplifting of humanity. And thus the families of earth, in their unity and peace and love, may represent the family of heaven.” Ibid., 100.

Should we not keep our vows? As modern Christians, should we regard marriage vows more lightly than did our ancestors? I think not! God does not base the marriage commitment on your feelings or on how well your partner treats you. You made a commitment—a vow—without conditions. You committed yourself to another’s care whatever the circumstances or however things might change.

God does not mince words about divorce. In Malachi 2:14–16, He states that He hates divorce, and speaks of those men who divorce as having dealt “treacherously” with their wives. How would you like to be described by God as being treacherous? In Matthew 5:32 and Luke 16:18, Jesus says that anyone who divorces his wife commits adultery and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery. Jesus further explains that Moses only permitted divorce because of the hardness of men’s hearts—divorce was not God’s intention. What God has joined together, let no man put asunder! (Matthew 19:6.)

Husbands

Where are the men of character and integrity today? Where are those who will give their word and stand by it, even to their own hurt? What about you? Husbands, as God’s appointed head of your family, you are expected to set the example for your wife and children. Are you a man on whom others can count? Do you keep your commitments?

You have vowed to love and care for your wife, whatever the situation, as long as you both shall live. Be true to your vow! Excuses, such as being unhappy in marriage, no longer feeling in love, or not being loved by your wife, do not cut it with God. Devote yourself to pleasing God in your role as a husband. Fulfill your responsibilities and, with patience, depend upon God. Often, this will transform your marriage in a way that brings glory to God. However, even if it does not, your obligation is the same. Your endurance and steadfast commitment to your vow will bring glory to God. Breaking your vow of marriage will bring dishonor on God’s name, giving “occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme.” 11 Samuel 12:14.

Wives

Some of you face very hard circumstances. Some of your marriages are difficult, at best. Do you feel unloved by your husband? Have you been left lonely and unfulfilled? Have you suffered much neglect and even cruelty from your husband? Hold on to God. He sees your situation, and He cares.

Be faithful to your vows, living with your husband as a godly wife, respecting and honoring him, remaining loyal to him even when he is not loyal to you. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve, whom you live to please. Fulfill your responsibilities as a woman of God, obeying all of the Bible’s instructions concerning marriage.

Do not lose heart. Do not allow your emotions to take control and lead you to dishonor God by abandoning your marriage. I know there are some situations where true physical harm is threatened, when it may be wise for you to depart from your husband for a time—but with the hope that you may soon be able to return and resume your duties as a loyal wife. Do all that is within your power to stand by your vow.

Husbands and Wives

Duty comes before happiness. You have a duty to God and to your marriage partner. Honor God by doing what is right, whatever your spouse chooses to do. You are responsible to God for what you do. Leave your spouse in God’s hands.

“The family tie is the closest, the most tender and sacred, of any on earth. It was designed to be a blessing to mankind. And it is a blessing wherever the marriage covenant is entered into intelligently, in the fear of God, and with due consideration for its responsibilities.

“Every home should be a place of love, a place where the angels of God abide, working with softening, subduing influence upon the hearts of parents and children.

“Our homes must be made a Bethel, our hearts a shrine. Wherever the love of God is cherished in the soul, there will be peace, there will be light and joy. Spread out the word of God before your families in love, and ask, ‘What hath God spoken?’ ” Ibid., 18, 19.

“He who gave Eve to Adam as a helpmeet performed His first miracle at a marriage festival. In the festal hall where friends and kindred rejoiced together, Christ began His public ministry. Thus He sanctioned marriage, recognizing it as an institution that He Himself had established. . . .

“Christ honored the marriage relation by making it also a symbol of the union between Him and His redeemed ones. He Himself is the Bridegroom; the bride is the church, of which, as His chosen one, He says, ‘Thou art all fair, My love; there is no spot in thee.’ [Song of Solomon 4:7.]” Ibid. 26.

“A Happy or Unhappy Marriage?—If those who are contemplating marriage would not have miserable, unhappy reflections after marriage, they must make it a subject of serious, earnest reflection now. This step taken unwisely is one of the most effective means of ruining the usefulness of young men and women. Life becomes a burden, a curse. No one can so effectually ruin a woman’s happiness and usefulness, and make life a heartsickening burden, as her own husband; and no one can do one hundredth part as much to chill the hopes and aspirations of a man, to paralyze his energies and ruin his influence and prospects, as his own wife. It is from the marriage hour that many men and women date their success or failure in this life, and their hopes of the future life.” Ibid., 43.

“Most men and women have acted in entering the marriage relation as though the only question for them to settle was whether they loved each other. But they should realize that a responsibility rests upon them in the marriage relation farther than this. They should consider whether their offspring will possess physical health and mental and moral strength. But few have moved with high motives and with elevated considerations which they could not lightly throw off—that society had claims upon them, that the weight of their family’s influence would tell in the upward or downward scale.

“The choice of a life companion should be such as best to secure physical, mental, and spiritual well-being for parents and for their children—such as will enable both parents and children to bless their fellow men and to honor their Creator.

“Qualities to Be Sought in a Prospective Wife.—Let a young man seek one to stand by his side who is fitted to bear her share of life’s burdens, one whose influence will ennoble and refine him, and who will make him happy in her love.

“ ‘A prudent wife is from the Lord.’ ‘The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her. . . . She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.’ ‘She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her,’ saying, ‘Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.’ He who gains such a wife ‘findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.’ [Proverbs 19:14; 31:11, 12, 26–29; 18:22.]

“Here are things which should be considered: Will the one you marry bring happiness to your home? Is [she] an economist, or will she, if married, not only use all her own earnings, but all of yours to gratify a vanity, a love of appearance? Are her principles correct in this direction? Has she anything now to depend upon? . . . I know that to the mind of a man infatuated with love and thoughts of marriage these questions will be brushed away as though they were of no consequence. But these things should be duly considered, for they have a bearing upon your future life. . . .

“In your choice of a wife study her character. Will she be one who will be patient and painstaking? Or will she cease to care for your mother and father at the very time when they need a strong son to lean upon? And will she withdraw him from their society to carry out her plans and to suit her own pleasure, and leave the father and mother who, instead of gaining an affectionate daughter, will have lost a son?

“Qualities to Be Sought in a Prospective Husband.—Before giving her hand in marriage, every woman should inquire whether he with whom she is about to unite her destiny is worthy. What has been his past record? Is his life pure? Is the love which he expresses of a noble, elevated character, or is it a mere emotional fondness? Has he the traits of character that will make her happy? Can she find true peace and joy in his affection? Will she be allowed to preserve her individuality, or must her judgment and conscience be surrendered to the control of her husband? . . . Can she honor the Saviour’s claims as supreme? Will body and soul, thoughts and purposes, be preserved pure and holy? These questions have a vital bearing upon the well-being of every woman who enters the marriage relation.

“Let the woman who desires a peaceful, happy union, who would escape future misery and sorrow, inquire before she yields her affections, Has my lover a mother? What is the stamp of her character? Does he recognize his obligations to her? Is he mindful of her wishes and happiness? If he does not respect and honor his mother, will he manifest respect and love, kindness and attention, toward his wife? When the novelty of marriage is over, will he love me still? Will he be patient with my mistakes, or will he be critical, overbearing, and dictatorial? True affection will overlook many mistakes; love will not discern them.

“Accept Only Pure, Manly Traits.—Let a young woman accept as a life companion only one who possesses pure, manly traits of character, one who is diligent, aspiring, and honest, one who loves and fears God.

“Shun those who are irreverent. Shun one who is a lover of idleness; shun the one who is a scoffer of hallowed things. Avoid the society of one who uses profane language, or is addicted to the use of even one glass of liquor. Listen not to the proposals of a man who has no realization of his responsibility to God. The pure truth which sanctifies the soul will give you courage to cut yourself loose from the most pleasing acquaintance whom you know does not love and fear God, and knows nothing of the principles of true righteousness. We may always bear with a friend’s infirmities and with his ignorance, but never with his vices.” Ibid., 45–48.

“Marriage of Christians With Unbelievers.—There is in the Christian world an astonishing, alarming indifference to the teaching of God’s word in regard to the marriage of Christians with unbelievers. Many who profess to love and fear God choose to follow the bent of their own minds rather than take counsel of Infinite Wisdom. In a matter which vitally concerns the happiness and well-being of both parties for this world and the next, reason, judgment, and the fear of God are set aside; and blind impulse, stubborn determination are allowed to control.

“Men and women who are otherwise sensible and conscientious close their ears to counsel; they are deaf to the appeals and entreaties of friends and kindred and of the servants of God. The expression of a caution or warning is regarded as impertinent meddling, and the friend who is faithful enough to utter a remonstrance is treated as an enemy. All this is as Satan would have it. He weaves his spell about the soul, and it becomes bewitched, infatuated. Reason lets fall the reins of self-control upon the neck of lust; unsanctified passion bears sway, until, too late, the victim awakens to a life of misery and bondage. This is not a picture drawn by the imagination, but a recital of facts. God’s sanction is not given to unions which He has expressly forbidden.

“God’s Commands Are Plain.—The Lord commanded ancient Israel not to intermarry with the idolatrous nations around them: ‘Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.’ The reason is given. Infinite Wisdom, foreseeing the result of such unions, declares: ‘For they will turn away thy son from following Me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the Lord be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.’ ‘For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God: the Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto Himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.’ [Deuteronomy 7:3, 4, 6.]” Ibid., 61, 62.

“Risking the Enjoyments of Heaven.—‘Can two walk together, except they be agreed?’ ‘If two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of My Father which is in heaven.’ [Amos 3:3; Matthew 18:19.] But how strange the sight! While one of those so closely united is engaged in devotion, the other is indifferent and careless; while one is seeking the way to everlasting life, the other is in the broad road to death.

“Hundreds have sacrificed Christ and heaven in consequence of marrying unconverted persons. Can it be that the love and fellowship of Christ are of so little value to them that they prefer the companionship of poor mortals? Is heaven so little esteemed that they are willing to risk its enjoyments for one who has no love for the precious Saviour?” Ibid., 66, 67.

Overview

Are you having problems? Are you wavering in commitment? Are you thinking that your marriage may have been a big mistake? Are you becoming friendly with a member of the opposite sex? Perhaps even attracted and a little infatuated? Have you “had it” with the way your spouse treats you? Are you dying inside from loneliness, lack of love, affection, acceptance, respect, or understanding? Are you now finding your mate to be totally unattractive? Is your mate not meeting your basic needs and making no effort to do so?

Seek help for your marriage problems, first from God and second from a wise Christian counselor. Stay committed to your marriage and trust God to work. Put your duty to God and the interests of your children before your own happiness. God did not promise that our lives would be easy and our circumstances always wonderful. Sometimes we must suffer for Christ; yet, relying on Him, we can give thanks in all things and rejoice always. Do not allow your commitment to your marriage to waiver. May you be found by God to be a faithful servant—one who will be more concerned about God’s glory than your own happiness, and one who will obey God and do your duty as a husband or wife, however difficult it may become.

An Unshakable Commitment

We should all enter into marriage taking our vows very seriously and seeking to please God with our marriage. Divorce should not be seen as a possible means of escape. No matter what the problems may be, how bad the relationship may become, or how strongly you may be attracted to another, purpose that you will keep your commitment to a lifelong marriage, that you will not give up, and that you will continue to work at your marriage, weathering whatever storms may come.

For the sake of God’s name, your Christian testimony, your children, and your honor and integrity, determine that you will keep this commitment and do all you can to please God regarding your marriage.

What sort of commitment should you make to your marriage? I would suggest one that includes the following elements:

  1. You will not seek to escape from your marriage.
  2. You will not look for another, and you will run from any temptation towards infidelity. You will be very careful about any interactions with the opposite sex that could possibly lead you into temptation or provoke the jealousy of your spouse.
  3. You will work at your marriage to make it as good as you can, for your children, for your wife or husband, and lastly for yourself.
  4. You will not give up on your marriage, knowing God can change both you and your spouse.
  5. If you do not feel love, you nevertheless, by conscious decision, will decide to love, whatever you may feel. Your actions and words will be loving.
  6. You will confess past wrongs and work to make amends and to restore any broken areas of your marriage relationship.

Conclusion

Christian marriage needs to be stable and permanent; it needs to be built upon the foundation of an unconditional, mutual covenant commitment that will not allow anything or anyone “to put asunder” the marital union established by God. To accept this Biblical view of marriage as a sacred covenant means to be willing to make total, exclusive, continuing, and growing commitments to our marriage partners. Such commitments are not easy or trouble free. Just as our covenantal commitments to God require obedience to the principles embodied in the Ten Commandments, so our covenantal commitments to our marriage partners demand obedience to the principles of the Ten Commandments that are applicable to our marriage relationships.

There is no other way to enter into the joys of Christian marriage than by assuming its covenantal obligations. When we commit ourselves to honor our marriage covenants of mutual faithfulness “till death do us part,” then we experience how God is mysteriously able to unite two lives into “one flesh.” Honoring our marriage covenant is fundamental to the stability of our family, church, and society.

Domingo Nunez is Director of Outreach Ministry for Steps to Life.

Restoring the Temple – Healthful Cookery

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Cooking may be regarded as less desirable than some other lines of work, but in reality it is a science in value above all other sciences. Thus God regards the preparation of healthful food. He places a high estimate on those who do faithful service in preparing wholesome, palatable food. The one who understands the art of properly preparing food, and who uses this knowledge, is worthy of higher commendation than those engaged in any other line of work. This talent should be regarded as equal in value to ten talents; for its right use has much to do with keeping the human organism in health. Because so inseparably connected with life and health, it is the most valuable of all gifts.” Counsels on Diet and Foods, 251.

“The cook fills an important place in the household. She is preparing food to be taken into the stomach, to form brain, bone, and muscle. The health of all members of the family depends largely upon her skill and intelligence. . . .

Every Woman’s Duty

“There are very many girls who have married and have families, who have but little practical knowledge of the duties devolving upon a wife and mother. They can read, and play upon an instrument of music; but they cannot cook. They cannot make good bread, which is very essential to the health of the family. . . . To cook well, to present healthful food upon the table in an inviting manner, requires intelligence and experience. The one who prepares the food that is to be placed in our stomachs, to be converted into blood to nourish the system, occupies a most important and elevated position. . . .

“Our sisters often do not know how to cook. To such I would say, I would go to the very best cook that could be found in the country, and remain there, if necessary, for weeks, until I had become mistress of the art,—an intelligent, skillful cook. I would pursue this course if I were forty years old. It is your duty to know how to cook, and it is your duty to teach your daughters to cook. . . .

“In order to learn how to cook, women should study, and then patiently reduce what they learn to practice. People are suffering because they will not take the trouble to do this. I say to such, It is time for you to rouse your dormant energies, and inform yourselves. Do not think the time wasted which is devoted to obtaining a thorough knowledge and experience in the preparation of healthful, palatable food. No matter how long an experience you have had in cooking, if you still have the responsibilities of a family, it is your duty to learn how to care for them properly.

Not Just for Women

“Many who adopt the health reform complain that it does not agree with them; but after sitting at their tables I come to the conclusion that it is not the health reform that is at fault, but the poorly prepared food. I appeal to men and women to whom God has given intelligence: Learn how to cook. I make no mistake when I say ‘men,’ for they, as well as women, need to understand the simple, healthful preparation of food. . . . If they have the knowledge, they can use it to good purpose.” Ibid., 252, 253.

Study Health Journals

“Those who do not know how to cook hygienically should learn to combine wholesome, nourishing articles of food in such a way as to make appetizing dishes. Let those who desire to gain knowledge in this line subscribe for our health journals. They will find information on this point in them. . . .

“Without continually exercising ingenuity, no one can excel in healthful cookery, but those whose hearts are open to impressions and suggestions from the Great Teacher will learn many things, and will be able also to teach others; for He will give them skill and understanding.

Develop Individual Talent

“It is the Lord’s design that in every place men and women shall be encouraged to develop their talents by preparing healthful foods from the natural products of their own section of the country. If they look to God, exercising their skill and ingenuity under the guidance of His Spirit, they will learn how to prepare natural products into healthful foods. Thus they will be able to teach the poor how to provide themselves with foods that will take the place of flesh meat. Those thus helped can in turn instruct others. Such a work will yet be done with consecrated zeal and energy. If it had been done before, there would today be many more people in the truth, and many more who could give instruction. Let us learn what our duty is, and then do it. We are not to be dependent and helpless, waiting for others to do the work that God has committed to us.

Cooking Schools

“There should be cooking schools, where instruction is given on the proper preparation of food. In all our schools there should be those who are fitted to educate the students, both young men and women, in the art of cooking. Women especially should learn how to cook.” Ibid., 253, 254.

Health Reform and Good Cooking

“One reason why many have become discouraged in practicing health reform is that they have not learned how to cook so that proper food, simply prepared, would supply the place of the diet to which they have been accustomed. They become disgusted with the poorly prepared dishes, and next we hear them say that they have tried the health reform, and cannot live in that way. Many attempt to follow out meager instructions in health reform, and make such sad work that it results in injury to digestion, and in discouragement to all concerned in the attempt. You profess to be health reformers, and for this very reason you should become good cooks. Those who can avail themselves of the advantages of properly conducted hygienic cooking schools, will find it a great benefit, both in their own practice and in teaching others.” Ibid., 255.

Cause of Disease

“For want of knowledge and skill in regard to cooking, many a wife and mother daily sets before her family ill-prepared food, which is steadily and surely impairing the digestive organs, and making a poor quality of blood; the result is, frequent attacks of inflammatory disease, and sometimes death. . . .

“We can have a variety of good, wholesome food, cooked in a healthful manner, so that it will be palatable to all. It is of vital importance to know how to cook. Poor cooking produces disease and bad tempers; the system becomes deranged, and heavenly things cannot be discerned. There is more religion in good cooking than you have any idea of. . . .

“Scanty, ill-cooked food depraves the blood by weakening the blood-making organs. It deranges the system, and brings on disease, with its accompaniment of irritable nerves and bad tempers. The victims of poor cookery are numbered by thousands and tens of thousands. Over many graves might be written: ‘Died because of poor cooking;’ ‘Died of an abused stomach.’

“It is a sacred duty for those who cook to learn how to prepare healthful food. Many souls are lost as the result of poor cookery. It takes thought and care to make good bread; but there is more religion in a loaf of good bread than many think.” Ibid., 256, 257.

Ask the Pastor – The Unconverted Spouse

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Question:

What did Peter mean when he said, in 1 Peter 3:1, 2, “Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear”?

Answer:

One thing that we need to remember, when we read counsel such as this, is the fact that when people are converted, they will experience trials in their lives. We are not removed from relationships that exist between family members and husbands and wives. Where one is converted and the other is not, special care needs to be given to present the gospel in all of its power, so a loved one will experience the witness and respond.

There are few experiences more difficult than to be united in marriage to an unbeliever. The Christian young man or young woman should never go voluntarily into such a union. Paul’s counsel surely reflects the inspiration of the Holy Spirit when he says, in 11 Corinthians 6:14, 15: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for . . . what communion hath light with darkness? . . . or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?”

But where one member of an already formed family is brought to know the Lord while the other remains in the darkness of unbelief, serious misunderstandings and perplexing circumstances can arise.

If the wife has been converted, while the husband has not been, special wisdom and grace are called for on her part to draw the husband to know the Lord. If she takes a superior attitude toward her unconverted husband, she will only stir up his opposition to the truth and make her circumstances miserable. She is counseled here, by Peter, to be in subjection to her own husband. She is to manifest such grace and humility of spirit that even though he resents the Word that is being presented to him, it is by her exceptional behavior and the beauty of her Christian character that he is won to Christ.

We have the saying that actions speak louder than words. This is a principle of Scripture. A whiney, dominating woman will drive her husband further from God instead of drawing him to Christ. But a gentle, gracious lady, whose life is characterized by purity and whose adorning is not simply that which is outward but which is inward, will have a great influence over even a godless husband. The goal of the purposes of a loving wife should be to win her unbelieving husband.

I have never read in Scripture where force or nagging ever won anyone to the Lord. But there are many instances where a meek and submissive spirit has won multitudes to the Lord. This is the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. The world works in just the opposite way. Force is the order of the day. This is why, in the issue of the Sunday law, force will be used to try to control the conscience.

The same principle is to be used where the wife is the unbeliever and the husband is a believer. Kindness, patience, care, and love are mighty when applied to the marriage relationship to win the heart of the unbelieving mate.

Pastor Mike Baugher is Associate Speaker for Steps to Life. If you have a question you would like Pastor Mike to answer, e-mail it to: landmarks@stepstolife.org or mail it to: LandMarks, Steps to Life, P. O. Box 782828, Wichita, KS 67278.

Immorality Before Crossing the Jordan

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“Thou shalt not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:14

God said in five words what others take many thousands to explain.

Martin Luther’s right hand man, Melanchthon, once said that the Bible must first be understood grammatically before it can be understood theologically. In other words, we must first determine what the words are, then determine what those words mean individually and only then can it be determined what those words mean compositely. Only after that groundwork has been done can we then deduce a theological meaning.

The word Thou is of the second person pronoun which can be either singular or plural. In other words, it is you, the second person. The word shalt, or shall, in the more familiar English, is a strong assertion or an intention, you shall.

The word not is added to any auxiliary verb in the English language and forms the negation of that verb. You will not do this. The word commit means to carry out, to accomplish.

The fifth and final word is adultery. Mr. Webster defines adultery as a violation of the marriage bed via sexual intercourse, unchastity. God therefore commands that you will not violate the marriage bed, you will not be unchaste, you will not be immoral. You will not be licentious. It is very interesting to note that the very command, you will not do this, implies that you can. What would be the purpose in God commanding something that we could not do? When we talk about the moral law of God, God is asking us either to do or not to do that which we are capable of doing.

In the Hebrew text this command is even clearer, because it is stated in just two words: no adultery. We have already modified this statement into the English, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” In the Hebrew it simply states, “No adultery.” Is that unclear? The essence of the command is, “Do not be sexually involved with anyone who is not your spouse.” Often we take a very narrow view of adultery, and I have had people say to me that they cannot break that commandment because adultery is only violating the marriage vow, so if they are not married, how can they violate the marriage vow?

The essence of this command is to prohibit any sexual involvement outside of a marriage commitment. This commandment can also be violated by those who are not married. Jesus utterly affirmed this in Matthew 5:31 where He intensified the command: “Furthermore, it has been said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.” “You have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery in his heart.” Verses 27, 28. Jesus does not diminish the requirement of the law; He does not take away from the letter or the spirit, but He magnifies it and says, You thought it only pertained to the literal act, but I am telling you, you can be found guilty of this command somewhere between your ears.

Immorality is widespread today and it has become a major problem even in the Christian church. Not only are there blatant affairs going on, but many are looking at magazines and computer screens depicting every imaginable thing. People’s lives are being ruined, families are shattered and children are left with little or no direction with no proper role models to follow and it is happening all within the private confines of their own perverted imagination.

Jesus says in verse 32, “I say to you, That whosoever divorces his wife for any reason except for sexual immorality, causes her to commit adultery.” Our definition of adultery is the violation of that marvelous union that God has instituted. Whoever marries a woman who is divorced without proper Biblical grounds commits adultery. Jesus magnified the law when adding that if you look on a woman to lust after her, and if you divorce a woman for a non-Biblical reason, that is the proliferation of adultery. Jesus in no way diminished the command, but He intensified it.

Jesus said, “Out of the heart proceeds all these evil thoughts, murders” (Matthew 15:19), which is commandment number six. And then He says, “adulteries, fornications,” referring to the seventh commandment. Jesus used two words to encapsulate this. He then goes on to say, “thefts” referring to commandment number eight. “Thou shalt not steal” and then, “false witness,” which is commandment number nine. This is very interesting; Jesus here describes commandments six, seven, eight and nine in a single word, except in the case of “Thou shalt not commit adultery” where He uses the words, adulteries and fornications. Here again Jesus is letting us know, as He did in Matthew, chapter five, that the command, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” is not simply something a married individual can do. It involves the whole umbrella of sexual vice and impurity. He uses two words, adulteries, which is the Greek word for the violation of the marriage bed and the word fornications which is the word for porneo, pornography.

This commandment Jesus describes, is as broad and does not just refer to adultery between married people. This commandment covers all kinds of sexual perversity and immorality. I don’t think anyone would disagree with the fact that we live in a sex-crazy, sensual, seductive society. Our culture is sex consumed.

God made man to be a social creature, and not be alone. The vast majority of us are social beings with a desire for a permanent relationship in which to share the most intimate experiences of life. God gave man the institution of marriage as a haven of safety, a place of sacred trust, in which to enjoy and to satisfy this most basic longing to be one with another. The oneness that a man shares with his wife in mind, body and soul is designed to be a type of the oneness that Jesus desires of His people, giving all to that relationship and forsaking all others.

Primarily there are two groups of people that fall into sexual sin, which is plainly forbidden: the unmarried, that is to say the single, whether never married, or married and divorced, and the unhappily married. As a general rule, those who are happily married in a wonderful, mutual, godly relationship are not usually the people who fall into sexual sin. This does not mean that they are immune and cannot fall, but it does mean that the people who are generally struggling with sexual sin are either single, or they are unhappily married. A happy, contented marriage will not only solve the problem of adultery, but it also solves the problem of pornography.

This is not to say that there would not be some who would remain single. Jesus did say and Paul agreed that there were certain people who could receive the gift of celibacy and these people are in the minority, but to those who desire companionship, the Apostle Paul advises in I Corinthians 7:9, “It is better to marry than to burn.”

Pornography has grown into a multi-billion dollar per year industry, destroying morals, people and marriages along the way. Internet pornography has not gotten any worse in terms of its substance in the last twenty years, but it has just become more accessible. Previously it used to be only available in the more seedy places, in truck stops, along the wrong side of the tracks and the red light district. Some people had the victory over pornography because they were afraid of being seen in these places, but now it is readily available in the public library or right in the living room of your own home. The percentage of pornography related Internet usage is off the charts and, incidentally, the top Google search words are all porn-related.

Tragically, pornography has become too accessible, and almost impossible to escape. Regular advertising of general products now often use sexual innuendos with suggestive pictures plastered on billboards and simply going through the checkout at local grocery stores makes it difficult to ignore the numerous magazines advertising the sexual exploits of the rich and famous.

But what a blessing to be able to have victory over the curse of a sin that is completely accessible!

Just as the children of Israel were on the borders of the land of Canaan preparing to cross the Jordan River Satan attacked with one of his most effective weapons—ungodly licentious adultery. Women were brought into the camp and the men became far too familiar with them, causing many to lose sight of the Promised Land.

When Satan’s temptations are the strongest and the most accessible, that is the time when God’s people will stand the strongest. It is of no great virtue to have victory over an inaccessible temptation, but it is a tremendous honor to God when standing strong in the face of overwhelming temptation. Licentiousness is the special sin of this age. I believe that the person who is committed to the lifestyle of pornography is in an absolute violation of their marriage vow.

This is distinguished from the person who falls and makes a mistake and stubs his toe and utterly repents. If you are struggling with this sin, you need two things. You need Biblical spirituality and you need genuine accountability. The Bible says the flesh lusts against the Spirit (Galatians 5:17). You need the Spirit in your life. Jesus said in John 6:63, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you, Jesus said, they are spirit, and they are life.” You need to daily be filling your tank with spiritual food. If you find that you are failing and falling and fumbling, it is likely because you have not filled up your spiritual tank with true spiritual words from Jesus. His words are spirit and life. You need accountability.

The Bible says in II Corinthians 10:3–5, “For though we walk in the flesh [that means we are stuck in these bodies], we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses, the pulling down of strongholds. We are destroying speculations, and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” Spiritual food is needed to fuel the spiritual energy in your tank if you are going to get the victory over these specific temptations, which are the sin of our age. No one is immune to sexual temptation. You would need to be wiser than Solomon, more godly than David, stronger than Samson, and that seems unlikely.

It is a proven fact that men are primarily driven by their eyes and they are visually stimulated. This is why Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, “If a man looketh on a woman …” He constituted men that way. The Bible says, “God made Adam.” Genesis 1:27. But when it comes to Eve the Hebrew text says, “He built her.” The temptation for women is to build castles or have fantasies. Women are more likely to watch soap operas and read romance novels where all the characters are beautiful, rich and famous, leaving her discontented with reality. While women are castle-building, dreaming up the ideal life, and the men are looking around being driven sensually or visually, you can see what happens when a conflict arises in the marriage. The woman starts going her way, looking for that perfect man bearing flowers to come and sweep her off her feet. And the man starts to go his way and he is looking for a woman who is looking to be swept off her feet, and these two collide neither recognizing in each other what they need because they think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Men have the ability to size up a woman in one second with just a passing glance. So, the advice I have for men is simply this: Stop looking! There are way too many lookers. Make a covenant with your eyes to turn them away and stop looking! Jesus said, “Husbands, love your wives.” Ephesians 5:25. Learn the true meaning of love and you will never be happier than with your wife.

For women, stop being dissatisfied with your husband. Maybe he doesn’t have six pack abs, and maybe he doesn’t bring you roses every single night, but get over it! You are his helpmeet, the one God has chosen to help your husband meet his potential. You have the power to make your home a sanctuary where peace and love reign if you will but take seriously your God given responsibility to your husband and your children. Learn the meaning of grace; learn the meaning of forgiveness and your home will be a haven where angels love to dwell.

Beloved, I suggest to you a simple remedy for a good marriage: It is the five “Cs.”

Get converted—Figures show that the divorce rate is going down, now at about 42%, but research shows that it is because fewer people are getting married. Think about it. Marriage is a Christian institution and it is understandable not to expect unconverted people to do well in a Christian institution. So, if you want a good marriage, get converted. If two people are genuinely converted in a marriage, they cannot get a divorce. The reason for this is that God hates divorce and He would not lead two godly people, two converted people, to do something He hates.

Be committed—Not for a day, not for a year, not for a decade, but be committed for life.

Learn to compromise—You want the blue car and she wants the red car —you get the black car.

Have a little compassion—My advice to newlyweds who come into my office is, “You worry about the compassion, and the passion will take care of itself.”

Have a healthy dose of communication—Spend time talking together. There are many resources available that are excellent tools to help you develop your communication skills. e.g., Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Beloved, in closing, I just want to appeal to your hearts. Some of you are divorcees and God does give Biblical grounds for divorce. I believe in my heart He gives only one single ground for divorce on Biblical grounds and that is the violation of the marriage bed, adultery. In the book, The Adventist Home, 341, God sent a message through His prophet because we were mistaking the plain words of Jesus. It says, “Nothing but the violation of the marriage bed can either break or annul the marriage vow.”

Nothing, nothing, but the violation of the marriage bed can annul the marriage vow. Is that clear enough? Is there any confusion there? Now, if you have been divorced on Biblical grounds or even non-Biblical grounds, and you want to start anew, you want to start afresh, the good news about our God is that He meets you where you are. But grace is not a license to sin.

I stand before you here today as a man who has been happily married for almost ten years and I can say in the fear of God and with absolute candor, I am more in love with my wife today, ten years later, than I was the day I married her. She is more beautiful to me. She is a fantastic mother. She has put up with all of my idiosyncrasies. She is a godly woman. Perfect? Not yet—close, but not perfect yet! But I would invite you to give your marriage to God, give your struggles to God, give your sexuality to God, and I would close with five simple words: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

David Asscherick’s sermon was taken from the Ten Commandment Weekend, 2008 series aired on 3ABN. For more information contact 3ABN.org.

Lifestyle – Temperance – Marriage

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No discussion of temperance would be complete without a discussion of sexual passion. God created man with sexual desires and desires for intimacy. “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” Genesis 2:24-25. Let us analyze this well-known, but not always well followed, verse.

The first prerequisite for marriage is that the man is to leave his father and mother. So, before the man marries, he is to leave his family home and establish a home of his own. Many youth are looking for relationships and intimacy before they meet the first requirement of marriage, to be established themselves and able to maintain a household. The next step is to cleave unto his wife, not his girlfriend, boyfriend, an acquaintance, or family of orgin. Once this marriage relationship is begun, the couple should then cleave to each other and look to no one else for intimacy. It is then that God allows intimacy in the form of nakedness and sexual relationship. Much of our world today has lost the shame of nakedness (Revelation 16:15), as often the way we dress leaves more and more of the body exposed for all to see. Could this also be part of why sexual intimacy is no longer seen as something that is not exclusive to marriage?

Once a man and a woman have committed to marriage, the Lord says, “And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.” Matthew 19:9. Divorce has become rampant both in and out of the church with divorce occurring in nearly 50 percent of marriages. Not only has society rejected that marriage is a lifelong commitment made in the presence of a holy God, but it seems that we have forgotten that to remarry, when the cause of divorce is not fornication, is committing adultery. It is important to remember to, “Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.” I Corinthians 6:18.

In the Old Covenant, the punishment for adultery was severe, “And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, even he that committeth adultery with his neighbour’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.” Leviticus 20:10. In the New Covenant, the punishment is eternal death (Revelation 22:15).

Through the ministry of Jesus, we learn that we are also to keep the law with our inward thoughts. In Matthew 5:28 the Lord says, “That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”

Therefore, the seventh commandment of the Decalogue, “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” begins with modest, Godly dress that does not reveal our nakedness, circumspect behavior, appropriate courtship, and then purity, maintained by each partner in the marriage relationship.

“Let your moderation [abstinence from that which is harmful and moderation of that which is good] be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.” Philippians 4:5.

Customs of Bible Times – Conducting Negotiations to Secure a Wife

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The customs of the Arabs in certain areas of Bible lands when they negotiate to secure a bride for their son, illustrate in many respects Biblical practices. If a young man has acquired sufficient means to make it possible for him to provide a marriage dowry, then his parents select the girl and the negotiations begin. The father calls in a man who acts as a deputy for him and the son. This deputy is called “the friend of the bridegroom” by John the Baptist (John 3:29). This man is fully informed as to the dowry the young man is willing to pay for his bride. Then, together with the young man’s father, or some other male relative, or both, he goes to the home of the young woman. The father announces that the deputy will speak for the party, and then the bride’s father will appoint a deputy to represent him. Before the negotiations begin, a drink of coffee is offered the visiting group, but they refuse to drink until the mission is completed. Thus Abraham’s servant, when offered food by the parents of Rebekah, said, “I will not eat, until I have told mine errand” (Genesis 24:33). When the two deputies face each other, then the negotiations begin in earnest. There must be consent for the hand of the young woman and agreement on the amount of dowry to be paid for her. When these are agreed upon, the deputies rise and their congratulations are exchanged, and then coffee is brought in, and they all drink of it as a seal of the covenant thus entered into.

Reasons for the Marriage Dowry

Bride’s family – In the Orient, when the bride’s parents give their daughter in marriage, they are actually diminishing the efficiency of their family. Often unmarried daughters would tend the flock of their father (Exodus 2:16), or they would work in the field, or render help in other ways. Thus upon her marriage, a young woman would be thought of as increasing the efficiency of her husband’s family and diminishing that of her parents. Therefore, a young man who expects to get possession of their daughter must be able to offer some sort of adequate compensation. This compensation was the marriage dowry.

It was not always required that the dowry be paid in cash; it could be paid in service. Because Jacob could not pay cash, he said, “I will serve thee seven years for Rachel” (Genesis 29:18). King Saul required the lives of one hundred of the enemy Philistines as dowry for David to secure Michal as his wife (I Samuel 18:25).

The bride – It was usually customary for at least some of the price of the dowry to be given to the bride. This would be in addition to any personal gift from the bride’s parents. Leah and Rachel complained about the stinginess of their father Laban. Concerning him they said, “He hath sold us, and hath also quite devoured the price paid for us” (Genesis 31:15, ARV margin). Laban had had the benefit of Jacob’s fourteen years of service, without making the equivalent of at least part of it as a gift to Leah and Rachel.

Since a divorced wife in the Orient is entitled to all her wearing apparel, for this reason much of her personal dowry consists of coins on her headgear or jewelry on her person. This becomes wealth to her in case her marriage ends in failure. This is why the dowry is so important to the bride and such emphasis is placed upon it in the negotiations that precede marriage. The woman who had ten pieces of silver and lost one was greatly concerned over the loss, because it was doubtless a part of her marriage dowry (Luke 15:8, 9).

Special dowry from the bride’s father

It was customary for fathers who could afford to do so to give their daughters a special marriage dowry. When Rebekah left her father’s house to be the bride of Isaac, her father gave her a nurse and also damsels who were to be her attendants (Genesis 24:59, 61). And Caleb gave to his daughter a dowry of a field with springs of water (Judges 1:15). Such was sometimes the custom in olden times.

Fred H. Wight, Manners and Customs of Bible Lands, Moody Publishers, Chicago, Illinois, 1953, 127, 128.

A Letter to Newlyweds

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Dear Edson & Emma,

My dear children, I am desirous that you should know Christ by experimental knowledge of Him yourselves. You should obtain an experience for yourselves and be His earnest, faithful servants, manifesting perseverance and zeal and energy in the work and cause of God. Seek to exemplify Christ in your lives. Seek to adorn your profession. Take an exalted position in divine things, seeking to perfect Christian character.

You, my children, have given your hearts to one another; unitedly give them wholly, unreservedly to God. In your married life, seek to elevate one another, not to come down to common, cheap talk and actions. Show the high and elevating principles of your holy faith in your everyday conversations and in the most private walks of life. Be ever careful and tender of the feelings of one another. Do not allow either of you for even the first time, a playful bantering, joking, censuring of one another. These things are dangerous. They wound. The wound may be concealed, nevertheless the wound exists, and peace is being sacrificed and happiness endangered when it could be easily preserved.

Edson, my son, guard yourself and in no case manifest the least disposition savoring of a dictatorial, overbearing spirit. It will pay to watch your words before speaking. This is easier than to take them back or efface their impression afterwards. Brother Winslow has made his married life very bitter by a dictatorial, ordering spirit, savoring of the arbitrary. He has made his wife’s family much trouble by the set will savoring of perverseness.

Edson, shun all this. Ever speak kindly; do not throw into the tones of your voice that which will be taken by others as irritability. Modulate even the tones of your voice. Let only love, gentleness, and mildness be expressed in your countenance and in your voice. Make it a business to shed rays of sunlight, but never leave a cloud. Emma will be all to you you can desire if you are watchful and give her no occasion to feel distressed and troubled and doubt the genuineness of your love. Yourselves can make your happiness, or lose it. You can, by seeking to conform your life to the Word of God, be true, noble, elevated, and smooth the pathway of life for each other.

Edson, you, my dear boy, have to educate yourself in practicing self-control. God help you, my much loved son, to see the force of my advice and counsel to you. Be careful every day of your words and acts. Yield to each other. Yield your judgment sometimes, Edson; do not be persistent if your course appears just right to yourself. You must be yielding, forbearing, kind, tenderhearted, pitiful, courteous, ever keeping fresh the little courtesies of life, the tender acts, the tender, cheerful, encouraging words. And may the best of Heaven’s blessings rest upon you both, my dear children, is the prayer of your mother. Manuscript Release, vol. 20, 333, 334.

The End